I'll Bet Joe Paterno Wants A Do-Over

I read with dismay and outrage, the scandal at Penn State that not only cost one of the greatest football coaches in College ball history his job, but more importantly cost the innocence of so many young children. The devastation caused by his lack of action in this case, has quickly become his legacy instead of his accomplishments as coach of the Lions. Recently his wife, Sue, was turned away from a Penn State pool. She's an avid swimmer and has frequented the same pool for many years, until now. Joe's new legacy is affecting more than himself.

What is your legacy? Who has it touched?

In this blog series I have dealt with the spectre of divorce and its devastating effects on the family left behind when a man walks out on his wife and children. When he does this, he creates for himself a new legacy, much the same as Joe Patero has created - a new and very much unwanted legacy.

As a man, it is our God-given responsibility to love, honor, and protect our family. We are to love our wives as God loves His church. If this is our spiritual calling, why do so many of us fail utterly? Why are there twelve divorces every hour somewhere in the United States? That's one divorce every five minutes? When you factor in that two out of three divorces are in homes that include children under eighteen years of age, roughly 2.4million children are affected by divorce every year. Two and a half million children every single year, and that number is growing as our population grows, who are taught that a man's word is meaningless.

Am I being harsh? That depends on whose perspective you share. One thing is certain, the modern excuses for the destruction of families - finances, adultery, violence, youth, are just that. They are excuses. The cause of the problem is a different matter altogether.

I will put it to you that the destruction and emasculation of men is a cause. I will put it to you that the destruction of biblical teaching and accountability among men is a cause. I will put it to you that poor parenting is a cause. I will put it to you that poor role models is a cause. And I will put it to you that apathy on the part of so-called 'friends' and the ease of the obtainment of divorce are both causes.

Where does the blame lay for the proliferation of these causes? Three places. Churches, Families, and External Relationships.

This episode I will deal with the first of these locations. Churches you say? How dare I blame churches for the division of families, I hear you cry. Really? How many churches do you attend where men outnumber women attendees? How many churches do you attend that are decorated with flowers, where worship music contains words like "...You call me child and I'll call you Father, Kisses from heaven of joy and laughter...I want to lavish my love on you, Jesus." Believe it or not, this song was written by a guy! There are more Jesus as a girlfriend songs than I care to recount here. Suffice to say that apart from the very effeminate nature of these songs, their theology is questionable at best. At worst, they show how utterly emasculated men are in churches across the country.

Our manhood has been stripped away by our places of worship, replaced by she-manhood that feeds the new societal stereotyping of men as inferior to women. Jesus the Son Of Man has been replaced by Jesus the lover or Jesus the dancer *skin crawl*.

Men are not being discipled by other men, or being held accountable to the Word of God by other Godly men. Churches that cater to "the searchers" could care less about teaching the Word, instead it's one big feel-good party with Jesus the lover and girlfriend and dancer and just all-round caring friend, as the centerpiece. Gone is sin, gone is Hell, gone is wrath, gone is judgement, gone is accountability, gone are men.

I'm not advocating "woe-is-me" Christianity. What I am advocating is biblical Christian places of worship that know how to adhere to God's word, know how to celebrate His love for us, and know how to develop men to lead their families and be accountable to other men to do so well.

If this basic principle is followed, we will have less men leaving their bosses at 5 or 6 or 7p.m and driving home to their other bosses and resenting the relationship that fails to recognize them as man of the home, fails to honor them as husband, and fails to submit to them as head of the home.

We men must recognize that it is OUR responsibility to ensure that we are putting ourselves in the best situation for our personal growth so that we can be the best we can be for our family so that we deserve the honor, respect, and submission that we need. Our wives desperately crave sound moral leadership in the home. They want a man, not a she-man who simply wears pants! Our children need strong decisive and loving father as role models.

Let us be those men, because this is our one shot at this. There are no do-overs. Joe Paterno does not have a do-over that will allow him the opportunity to report the abuse he saw or knew about. He does not have the do-over that will re-establish his reputation and his legacy as the winningest college football coach of all time.

I do not have the chance of a do-over that will afford me the opportunity to have been a better father and husband in my first marriage. That time is past. That opportunity is gone. The hurt is there. The pain is real. Lives have been altered. Children have been effected. My new legacy is written in tears.

What will your legacy be? Will your name be etched into one of those five minute periods when a divorce takes place. Will your children be amongst the 2.4 million who cry for their fathers? Or will you be the man you started out to be? Will you seek out those who can help you get there and leave your legacy that is written not in tears of suffering, but tears of joy and smiles of adoration.

Until next time...

What Miley Cyrus has in common with my girls.

Hello all, and welcome back. I hope you'll sit a while and visit with me as I have something very important to discuss with you. I pray that you'll read this blog carefully, and share it with others...

In my last blog post, I shared with you just what my father means to me. He is a wonderful example to follow. Hard working, a devoted husband, man of honor, and a selfless family man. I also shared that I chose not to follow his example - like so many others from Generation X an onward, I went my own way.

I humbly submit to you that it is far too easy these days for men to go their own way. We have lost the stickability that defined marriage in the "good old days". Billy Ray and Trish Cyrus have gone their own way. My brother went his own way twice. My wife, Rebecca, was the victim of a cad who went his own way. Countless men have gone their own way, deciding that the relationship they have with their wife just isn't 'doing it' for them. They're not what they were or what we thought they were. Whatever one of the endless sea of excuses they use to take those devastating steps out of their home, men are deserting their families in droves.

In my next post, I'm going to focus on why men are doing this. I'm going to offer up some insights into the modern man's psyche and how the degeneration of society and the community of faith allows men a pass thus reinforcing the modern male psyche. In the post after next, I will look at what men must do in order to turn the tide, and in the final entry in this series on family, I'll discuss what women can do in the home to help solidify the man's position as head of his home. This includes how not to emasculate him.

For now however, I would like to take a look at the silent victims of the marriage breakdown -- our children.

Miley Cyrus has a few things in common with my two daughters, Jody and Jessica. With Jody, she shares rare musical talent. With both Jody and Jess, she shares good looks. But the most telling comparison is the fact that Miley Cyrus and Jody and Jessica Armstrong are victims of divorce.

I sometimes wonder if men who are contemplating divorcing their wives understand that they are divorcing their children too. I wonder if men truly sit down and evaluate what their children mean to them and ultimately what divorce is going to mean to his children, and how it is going to affect them. I know I did not. Would such statistics have meant something to me at the time? For me, I would have to say a resounding yes, but we do not have the luxury of hindsight when we're in the midst of the storm.

Some statistics then, that I guarantee you men do not consider when they're busy feeling sorry for themselves and are looking to go their own way...

• 50% of all children born into a family with a mom and a dad will see their parents divorced. Almost half of them will also see the breakup of their parent's second marriage
• 10% of those children will witness the breakdown of three or more parental marriage breakups! 
• 40% of all children in America today are being raised without their fathers

• Teenage children of divorce are three times more likely to need psychological help in a given year
• Children of repeat divorces get much lower grades at school and their peers judge them as less pleasant to be around
• A study done on children of divorced parents was conducted in 1991. It showed that even six years after the divorce of their parents, they still suffered from loneliness, anxiety, unhappiness, and insecurity
• 70% of long term prison inmates grew up in broken homes
• Children from broken homes suffer more psychological disorders than those from homes where one or more parents have died
• Children of divorced parents are more likely to be aggressive towards others
• Teenage children of divorced couples are far more likely to have sex and favor cohabitation that those from homes that maintain both parents. And before you say "not my kids" think again. Kids from this study were considered very mainstream.

• Child poverty has far more to do with the status of the family unit than the color of their skin. 70% of all black babies in America are born to single mothers compared to 26% of white children. The poverty rates among these children correlate
• Children living with both biological parents are 35% healthier than those who have suffered divorce
• Most molested children come from single households or are the children of drug users
• A child in a female led home is 10 TIMES more likely to be hurt or murdered!

These statistics are sobering to say the least. Do men even know about the existence of such statistics? If you're unsure, pass the link to this blog to every man you know, and every woman who is married to one! 

I thought about my children as I read these stats and the research behind them. Anxiety, loneliness, insecurity, they suffer from them all to varying degrees. Just what affects my divorce will have on them into the future, I do not know, but I pray each day that they will be minimized. Thankfully, their mom is very good to them, as is her new husband, but that is not the case for so many other children of divorced families. 

An old friend once told me - "How do you know a politician is lying?" I asked "How?" to which he answered "When their lips are moving." Statistics however, do not lie. 

My message to the men of the home is simply this. Unless there is infidelity, you stay there. You pour over these statistics and you understand the carnage you can leave behind and you stay there. You examine your heart and you tuck your children in at night and you stay there. You look in the mirror of your ensuite or your bathroom before you climb into bed with your wife and you say that you have the best marriage in the world and you stay there. And you reach out to God and His word and you call on Him to help you be the man you were meant to be and you stay there and you love your wife and father your children. You don't get a second chance.

Until next time....

Second chances - there are none.

My father is my hero. 

He met my mom in 1960 and from the time he laid eyes on her until the time her eyes closed for the last time, Dad worshiped her. He had good reason to, my mom was a 4' 11" giant. She was larger than life, had a smile the size of Jupiter, and lit up every room she adorned. She was graceful, loving, kind to a fault, and her heart was as big as her smile. But she was a terrier. You didn't mess with my mom! And you kinda didn't mess with Dad either...though he was a quiet man.

They were inseparable. They idolized each other. Their marriage was perfect, because they worked on it, and because of the moral code that Dad possesses. 

Dad was a working-class man. He had more jobs that I have hair these days, and in his retirement years, especially since he lost the love of his life, he has stayed busy. Dad was not an educated man, but that was out of necessity, because in those days, with a family of 12 to help support, if you were from a working class background you went to work as soon as you were able. He's an intelligent and witty man and just about the most caring and self-sacrificing individual on this wonderful planet of ours. Despite his lower social standing, Dad was a great leader in the home. Everyone knew Dad was 'The Man'. 

I would like to recount the story of how I followed in my father's footsteps and how I raised my own family using the moral code my father had passed to me. I would like to, but I can't, because I did not follow his example. I went my own way.

Educated to a university level, I thought I was magnificent. I was a natural sportsman, good looking, fit, and bright. Life was all about me. But I had much insecurity that ate away at me. I had no self-confidence, no drive, and no ambition. I was easily bored with everything I turned my hand to; even though I was very good at everything I had a go at.

I met my first wife, Tracey, at a bar. Within two years we were married, and within four we had our first baby. I joined the military, we had another baby. Life trudged on. I did not step up and lead my home, it led me. Consequently, there was constant conflict and after 20 years together, Tracey and I quit on each other.

Then came, Rebecca. She is the love of my life and I will be with her forever, but has it been easy? Hell no! Blending families, dealing with international moves, and not to mention my continual penchant for changing jobs and moving around to make myself feel better, took their toll on us. Not to mention Rebecca is a serious A-type personality and control freak. Our union was a recipe for disaster! And for the first six years that's just what it was. It's still a work in progress! But there is hope.

Statistics will tell you that the divorce rate for second marriages is 60%. What's different about this relationship? Me. 

I've had to step up and take the lead. A strong Godly man in the home who is discipled in the art of Christian leadership is the only answer to the woes of the modern world. I had to honestly and brutally examine myself and I didn't like what I found. 

In my next post, I'll tell you what I am doing to ensure that I am more like my father, and less like Al Bundy, because there's no such thing as a second chance when it comes to marriage. We men must get it right the first time. We must take charge and lead our homes the right way, for the sake of those we love, and for the glory of the one who loves us more than we can ever love Him.

Until next time…

WHICH WITCH

Stories abound that depict the modern sorceress as anything but the withered old hags of Shakespeare's Macbeth. Here's a classic exerpt from the play. Scene - the three witches enter a dark cave and sit about a centered cauldron with contents boiling:

1st Witch - "In the poison'd entrails throw

 

                      Toad, that under cold stone, 

                      Days and nights has thirty-one; 

                      Swelter'd venom sleeping got, 

                      Boil thou first i' the charmed pot!" 

          ALL. -  "Double, double toil and trouble; 

                      Fire burn, and caldron bubble." 

     2 WITCH.  "Fillet of a fenny snake, 

                      In the caldron boil and bake; 

                      Eye of newt, and toe of frog, 

                      Wool of bat, and tongue of dog, 

                      Adder's fork, and blind-worm's sting, 

                      Lizard's leg, and owlet's wing,— 

                      For a charm of powerful trouble, 

                      Like a hell-broth boil and bubble." 

            ALL.  "Double, double toil and trouble; 

                      Fire burn, and caldron bubble."

The modern 'witch' is sexy, seductive, and saucy ergo - the triplet from the hit tv show Charmed:

These gals don't just pack a punch, vanquish demons,

and other evil forces, they sizzle on screen, own a business

or hold down glam jobs like photographer, and have relationship issues just like 'normal' gals. 

The question is, what type of witch / sorceress do you prefer?

Do you like to read a book or see a movie or watch a TV show that

paints these paranormal princesses as every-day girls with a penchant 

for potions, or do you want them to frighten you, taunt you with their

powers, toy with mere mortals and use them as their playthings like

the girls in The Craft:

Dare to be different...

We all know the stereotypical origins and descriptors of our furry
friends - Werewolves.

To become one, one must be bitten by one, cursed by a Romanian
gypsy woman with three teeth and a penchant for revenge like no other, mix DNA either by blood, kissing, sharing a drink, or other intimate moments with one.

To kill one, you shoot them with a silver bullet, decapitate them, or tear out their hearts...if you can get close enough without yourself becoming injured thus falling under the spell of the werewolf curse and becoming one of them!

They don't like - Vampires, Wolfsbane, or other Werewolves. They're very territorial and protective of their stomping ground.

They kill indiscriminately, and don't much care whom they bite, tear up, or eat for that matter.

Now then......that's the stereotypical Werewolf.

Let's have some fresh ideas! List down your take on Werewolves. What you love about them, what you don't, some twists on the ideas above - have some fun!